FOOL ON THE HILL
An Investment Opinion

Stop the Telemarketers!

By Bill Mann (TMF Otter)
December 8, 1999

You know the scene: idyllic night at home with the family, playing Yahtzee, when suddenly the phone rings:

"Uh, Hello?"

"Is William Marn (sic) in?"

[hackles up] "Speaking."

"Hey, William, this is Joe calling. I've been trying to figure out where to put your money to maximize your return. You do want to maximize your investment returns, don't you?"

"Joe" then launches into a discussion about my particular opportunity of a lifetime for the day. A gold mine in Bolivia. An arbitrage opportunity on the Dong-Shekel exchange rate. An up and coming penny stock listed on the pink sheets, occasionally. And sometimes, it's something REALLY crazy.

Now normally, I'd just hang up at this point, maybe mutter something about the guy being barely evolved from mold spores and get on with my evening.

But I recently read a back issue of the Washington Post in which Tony Kornheiser described a different tactic. Simply put: Keep the guy on the phone as long as possible, and try to demoralize him in the process.

Phone sales people are paid by their rate of success. If you hang up, they'll just churn on to the next one, or even more annoyingly, call you back and feign surprise at having been disconnected. But keep a hungry one on the phone for 45 minutes and then rip the rug out from under them, and you're guaranteeing a few things. First, he's never going to call you again; second, he's not going to get the chance to bother another 30 or so people while you're stringing him along; and third, he's certain to get an earful from his pit boss when it is discovered that he spent so long with one call and got no sale. It's brutal. It's fun. It works.

From a Foolish perspective, we'd like to put these people out of business, because they are in no way looking out for your best interests. No, wait, that's mean. What we'd really like to do is to redirect them to doing something that is positive for society, but by any means necessary. We'll do our part here on Fool.com to educate, amuse, and enrich. But in the end, can't we have some fun at the expense of the people trying desperately to get into your pocket?

So I tried it. I put on my best "golly-gee" voice and I said, "Sure, I'd be interested in hearing about that. I have been looking to invest the money I just inherited."

This is like throwing raw meat to a lion. "Joe," who is by now used to every sort of objection one could think of, isn't quite sure what to say. But only for a split second.

"Well, William, that's great. Should I put you down for 5,000 shares, or do you want to go with 10,000?"

"Well that depends. How much could I get for $120,000?"

You can hear the wheels turning as Joe starts to calculate his commission, and how he is going to spend it. Chum in the water.

"Well, since you are a more sophisticated investor, I can offer you a straight 5% equity stake in Bulgarian Beef Jerky Co. (Ticker: CRUD) for $150,000."

"Well, I could do that, but I don't want to put too much money in one place. I got ripped off by a scam artist last year, and you can bet I'm not going to let that happen again!"

Big, meaty seal chum. The kind no shark can resist.

"Yeah, there are a lot of shady deals out there, but this opportunity is as good as gold for you, William."

"So, tell me about the potential returns."

"Well, the company has firm orders on hand for 1 million pounds of beef jerky over the next year. Your return on investment would be in excess of 150% the first year, but that's just a conservative estimate. Between you and me, you could double your money in 90 days."

"How do I get paid?"

So on and so forth. Just keep the guy on the phone. He'll start to get restless, but if you play the unsure-but-flush investor well enough, he'll play ball, dancing all the while, grasping for those dollar signs.

Once he's good and lathered up, it's time for the flush.

"Let me ask you a question. Are the cows that are used for the beef jerky anointed with holy oil before they are slaughtered?"

"What?!? What does that matter? This is the deal of a lifetime!"

"I know, I just want to make sure I'm not investing in something that goes against my religious beliefs. I don't have the same problem with chickens though. Do you have an investment opportunity where I can buy $120,000 worth of fried chicken futures?"

At this point, you will hear one of three things: stunned silence, shuffling papers, or a stream of language questioning your fitness to exist on this planet. Any which way, he's now seeing his fat commission evaporate before his eyes.

"Or how about a Belgian Beef Jerky company? I think they anoint their cows with holy oil in Belgium."

"I can't believe that you're asking these questions! Are you so retarded that you don't see what an opportunity this is?

"Well, sure, I'd be Foolish not to see the absolutely amazing opportunity you're giving me, but I just can't go against my convictions. Do you have any companies specializing in pheasant? They could kill pheasant any way they wanted to and it wouldn't bother me one bit."

At some point, "Joe" will do one of three things. He will a) curse at you, b) hang up on you, or c) "find" an opportunity like the one you describe. Unless you have tired of the game, 'c' would be the best alternative, because it will allow you to repeat the whole process over. Double the fun, in one phone call.

At any rate, rest assured that once this process is over, you will be placed on the "freakshow" list at "Joe's" company, never to be called again. What's more, those people to whom you have sacrificed your time and effort will rest a little bit easier, blissfully ignorant of the existence of "Joe" or the Bulgarian Beef Jerky Company. Someone may be taking the charge for you right now. Shouldn't you repay the favor?

Fool on!

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