Fool Quiz
Wedding Tips for the Foolish

1) Where do we get the tradition that the bride stands on the groom's left?

1. The grooms, in ancient times, needed their sword hand free to fight jealous suitors
2. In ancient Rome, left-handedness was considered a sign of strength
3. It's better than standing on his foot
4. Weddings began in the cavalry, and fighting men have always attacked from the left
5. During the French Revolution, this came about at the same time as the political expressions "left-wing" and "right-wing"

2) Brides and grooms smooching at the end of a wedding ceremony is a custom that dates from:

1. The Early Greeks
2. The Roman Empire
3. The Middle Ages
4. The Renaissance
5. The Roaring Twenties

3) Have the Donald and Marla split? A written contract by a couple about to marry is...

1. No guarantee of bliss
2. Ivana more money
3. Marital law
4. Prenuptial agreement
5. Affiance statement

4) The most expensive wedding on record is:

1. Richard Burton to Elizabeth Taylor (total, since they married more than once)
2. Leona to Harry Helmsley
3. Princess Diana to Prince Charles
4. Mohamed, son of Sheik Rashid Bin Saeed Al Maktoum, to Princess Salama
5. J.P. Morgan to Mrs. Morgan

5) Actress Geena Davis's wedding to Director Renny Harlin was rumored to have cost:

1. $200,000
2. $300,000
3. $400,000
4. $550,000
5. $700,000

6) St. Valentine married couples secretly because:

1. Emperor Justinius Maximus wanted Empress Lavinius Minimus
2. Emperor Claudius didn't want potential soldiers to marry
3. Empress Lascivius Lipskius was jealous of Senator Stromius Thurmondium
4. Only he could draw hearts
5. He was dead at the time

7) All 5 people to head this company were linked by blood or marriage until the early 1980s:

1. Ford
2. Standard Oil
3. Deere
4. Wells Fargo
5. Gillette

8) Which species does not mate for life?

1. Yodelling Cranes
2. Canteloupe Crabs
3. Club-foot gazelles
4. Fruit bears
5. Elephants

9) Which city in the United States boasts the most churches?

1. Boston
2. New York
3. Las Vegas
4. Philadelphia
5. Los Angeles

10) Myrtle, according to the Victorian language of flowers, represents:

1. A turtle
2. Longevity
3. Being fertile
4. Marital bliss
5. Unlimited wealth

* * *

Answers:

1) The grooms, in ancient times, according to legend, needed their sword hand free to fight jealous suitors. Nowadays it's more a matter of saving that hand for signing hefty contracts and unscrewing lugnuts.

2) The Roman Empire. A kiss has traditionally sealed a contract. So think of marriage as putting out a contract, of sorts, on the one you love.

3) Prenuptial agreement. It details financial matters, including rights following divorce or death of one spouse.

4) Mohamed and Salama. The blessed event took place in May of 1981, cost $44 million, and lasted seven days. It took place in a specially constructed stadium for the 20,000 guests in attendance. At the end of the week, the Lions were leading the Bills, 34-27.

5) $700,000. And now Geena and Renny have split. Sure, it was a bargain compared to Mohamed and Salama, but think: if they had invested that money in the Foolish Four lo these several years ago, they'd now have enough for a stadium of their own.

6) Emperor Claudius didn't want potential soldiers to marry. This was really done with their best interests in mind, as they would then be more fearless cogs in the phalanx.

7) John Deere, a native Vermonter, moved to Illinois and started a blacksmith shop in 1836.

8) Elephants. Any self-respecting elephant, after all, wants to play the field.

9) Las Vegas has more churches and, we may conclude, is holier, than any other city in our fair land.

10) Marital bliss. So we send you this message in a burtle: take myrtle, don't wear a girdle, be fertile, and through marriage's blissful rainbow, hurtle.

Bonus Question!

Why is it traditional that a groom carry his bride across the threshold? Because:

1. Grooms just gotta get buff
2. He had to protect her from evil spirits in the underworld
3. They tried it the other way round, but there were too many injuries
4. It wasn't just the threshold: the groom had to carry her from the church all the way to the bedroom.
5. Only virgins were believed light enough to lift.

Answer: He had to protect her from evil spirits in the underworld. The modern interpretation is that one never knows what Evil lurks in the basement. Could be radon, could be that the previous tenants had a cat who ate hairballs and then got sick down there.

--David Wolpe (TMF Dbunk)