Fool.com: Foolish Four Invitational (Foolish Four) May 24, 1999

<FOOLISH FOUR PORTFOLIO>

Foolish Four Invitational
Sharpen your keyboards

by Ann Coleman (TMF AnnC)

Reston, VA (May 24, 1999) -- Let's have some fun! For the last two weeks, I've been rebutting a professional journal article that cast doubts about the validity of the Foolish Four. It's been heavy going. So now for something completely different: the first (and probably last) annual Foolish Four humor contest!

I'm stealing the idea from the Washington Post Style Invitational, but I'm sure they don't mind -- since, under pressure, they admit to being "inspired by" New York Magazine's monthly humor competition. One of the Post's stranger contests involves proposing a mating between any two race horses qualifying for the Triple Crown (regardless of sex or lack thereof), then suggesting a name for the foal. The winners for that one were announced yesterday. My favorites were:

Mate Hope for Soul with Inallprobability and name the foal Pascal's Wager. (Martin Bredeck, Alexandria)

Mate Polish Pianist with Drama Critic and name the foal Show Pan. (David Genser, Arlington)

As you can see, the humor is quite subtle and erudite, as befitting the premier newspaper of our nation's capital. Of course, neither of those won. The winner was:

Mate Breathtaking View with King of Scat and name the foal Awe Crap. (Dante D. Bruno, New York)

(You can see all the winning and many of the losing entries at washingtonpost.com: The Style Invitational.)

So here's our Foolish Four Invitational. Propose a merger between any two Dow or S&P 30 companies and suggest a product or corporate mission appropriate for the resulting company. You don't have to mate a Dow company with an S&P 30 company -- mix and match as you please. Menages a trois are acceptable. Here are some examples.

First, a bad example:

Merge Sprint with AT&T for a more cost-efficient long distance phone service.

No, no, no. These are more what I had in mind:

Merge Caterpillar with Coca-Cola. Product: Coquila -- Coke with a worm at the bottom of the bottle.

Merge WalMart with Union Carbide to form a friendly neighborhood mega-store that produces a cloud of noxious gas that kills off every mom and pop store within a 20 mile radius.

Merge 3M with Mobil, Monsanto, Morgan Stanley, Motorola, McDonald's, Merck, and
Morgan (JP) to form 10M.

Merge Philip Morris with Procter & Gamble. Product: Cigarettes packs that come with poker chips. When you collect enough chips, you cash them in.

As you can see, good taste is not necessarily a requirement. I look forward to reading at least a few entries that I would never publish.

Here are your lists of companies.

Dow Jones Industrials:
Allied Signal <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: ALD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: ALD)") end if %>
Alcoa <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: AA)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: AA)") end if %>
American Express <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: AXP)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: AXP)") end if %>
AT&T <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: T)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: T)") end if %>
Boeing <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: BA)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: BA)") end if %>
Caterpillar <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: CAT)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: CAT)") end if %>
Chevron <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: CHV)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: CHV)") end if %>
Citigroup <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: C)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: C)") end if %>
Coca-Cola <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: KO)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: KO)") end if %>
Disney <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: DIS)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: DIS)") end if %>
DuPont <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: DD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: DD)") end if %>
Eastman Kodak <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: EK)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: EK)") end if %>
Exxon <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: XON)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: XON)") end if %>
General Electric <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: GE)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: GE)") end if %>
General Motors <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: GM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: GM)") end if %>
Goodyear <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: GT)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: GT)") end if %>
Hewlett- Packard <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: HWP)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: HWP)") end if %>
IBM <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: IBM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: IBM)") end if %>
International Paper <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: IP)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: IP)") end if %>
Johnson & Johnson <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: JNJ)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: JNJ)") end if %>
McDonald's <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MCD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MCD)") end if %>
Merck <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MRK)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MRK)") end if %>
3M <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MMM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MMM)") end if %>
JP Morgan <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: JPM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: JPM)") end if %>
Philip Morris <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MO)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MO)") end if %>
Procter & Gamble <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: PG)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: PG)") end if %>
Sears <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: S)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: S)") end if %>
Union Carbide <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE:UK)") else Response.Write("(NYSE:UK)") end if %>
United Tech <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: UTX)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: UTX)") end if %>
Wal-Mart <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: WMT)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: WMT)") end if %>

The S&P 30
American International Group <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: AIG)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: AIG)") end if %>
Anheuser-Busch <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: BUD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: BUD)") end if %>
BankAmerica <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: BAC)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: BAC)") end if %>
Bank One <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: ONE)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: ONE)") end if %>
Bristol-Myers Squibb <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: BMY)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: BMY)") end if %>
Carnival <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: CCL)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: CCL)") end if %>
Chase Manhattan <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: CMB)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: CMB)") end if %>
Compaq <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: CPQ)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: CPQ)") end if %>
Dayton Hudson <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: DH)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: DH)") end if %>
Eli Lilly <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: LLY)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: LLY)") end if %>
Fannie Mae <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: FNM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: FNM)") end if %>
Ford Motor <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: F)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: F)") end if %>
Gap <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: GPS)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: GPS)") end if %>
Gillette <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: G)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: G)") end if %>
Home Depot <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: HD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: HD)") end if %>
Intel <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(Nasdaq: INTC)") else Response.Write("(Nasdaq: INTC)") end if %>
Lucent Technologies <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: LU)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: LU)") end if %>
Mobil <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MOB)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MOB)") end if %>
Monsanto <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MTC)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MTC)") end if %>
Morgan Stanley Dean Witter <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MWD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MWD)") end if %>
Motorola <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MOT)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MOT)") end if %>
PepsiCo <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: PEP)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: PEP)") end if %>
Pfizer <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: PFE)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: PFE)") end if %>
Schlumberger <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: SLB)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: SLB)") end if %>
Sprint Corp <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: FON)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: FON)") end if %>
Texas Instruments <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: TXN)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: TXN)") end if %>
Time Warner <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: TWX)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: TWX)") end if %>
Tyco International <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: TYC)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: TYC)") end if %>
Waste Management <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: WMI)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: WMI)") end if %>
Xerox <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: XRX)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: XRX)") end if %>

Oh, come on! It'll be fun!

Rules: Send all entries via email to TMF [email protected] and include how you would like to be identified in the extremely unlikely event that you are chosen as winner. (No getting your hopes up and dashing them a la Publisher's Clearinghouse!) You can send in as many entries as you like, but please do exercise a little judgment. If you bury your best idea in 250 stinkers, it might not stand out like you want it to. I'll be the sole judge of who wins, but I promise to run the good ones by whichever other Fools will stand still long enough to provide a second opinion.

Deadline is next Tuesday, June 1. At that point, I will let you know when the winners will be announced. If I have 50 entries, it will be within a week or so. If I have 50,000 entries, it will be some time next year... maybe.

Prize: You expect a prize? If glory and honor is not enough, maybe I can find a few Fool ballcaps.

Fool on and prosper!

Today's Stock Lists | 1999 Dow Returns

05/24/99 Close

Stock Change Last -------------------- CAT - 7/16 59.19 JPM -1 15/16 136.75 MMM + 7/8 89.81 IP + 9/16 55.56

Day Month Year History FOOL-4 -0.06% -0.87% 27.82% 29.72% DJIA -1.61% -1.25% 16.43% 15.97% S&P 500 -1.78% -2.14% 6.62% 6.87% NASDAQ -2.66% -3.51% 11.90% 13.44% Rec'd # Security In At Now Change 12/24/98 24 Caterpillar 43.08 59.19 37.39% 12/24/98 9 JP Morgan 105.51 136.75 29.61% 12/24/98 22 Int'l Paper 43.55 55.56 27.58% 12/24/98 14 3M 73.57 89.81 22.08% Rec'd # Security In At Value Change 12/24/98 24 Caterpillar 1034.00 1420.50 $386.50 12/24/98 9 JP Morgan 949.62 1230.75 $281.13 12/24/98 22 Int'l Paper 958.12 1222.38 $264.26 12/24/98 14 3M 1030.00 1257.38 $227.38 Dividends Received $29.45 Cash $28.26 TOTAL $5188.71