<THE FOOLISH FOUR>

Foolish Four Report
by David Wolpe (TMF Dbunk)

ALEXANDRIA, VA (May 6, 1998) -- You've heard it said in this column on many an occasion that the daily fluctuations of the Foolish Four stocks are of little consequence. They are but the flutterings of a leaf in the autumn as it takes an unpredictable path down to the ground. What's important is that the fall will come, the leaf will fall, and, hopefully just as surely, the Dow will rise.

Imagine our surprise, then, when The United Kingdom (UK) lost 1 1/4 today. This could of course be due to several factors. It may be traceable to angst over the upcoming May 22 referendum on Northern Ireland (NI). You're all familiar with this conflict. There are the Unionists on the one side (those who favor union with England) and the Carbidists on the other (those who feel strongly that the basis of every religion ought be Carbon, just as it is the basis of organic life). The Unionists and the Carbidists have up 'til now been prepared to fight to the death over these matters. Let us hope that a combination of chemistry and right prayer will put an end to these struggles once and for all. And, of course, that the Dow will rise.

Internet Performers (IP), on the other hand, gained 9/16. This was due to the fact that several of the performers had perfected virtual tightrope acts under the tutelage of famed tightrope walker Phillippe Petite (he who once did a magnificent tightrope walk between the World Trade Center buildings in New York). The corresponding internet performances were created using a mixture of Java, Dynamic HTML, Virtual Reality Modeling Language, and Spanish sausage. Commenting on this last, analyst Julia Child remarked on CNBC that it hasn't been since Betty Crocker's demise that she's had this much fun. No doubt her comments sent the stock rocketing skyward.

Mainstreet Organgrinders (MO) gave up 3/16. The monkeys were restless, and peanut shells made their way into the instruments' windpipes. So too, apparently, did some meat from the sausages. Buy-side analysts were, early in the day, said to be "going bananas" over the company's prospects, since this new technology might combine music and food, and on hearing that Cheetah himself was considering a stint as CEO. However, when this turned out to be a vicious rumor -- the impersonating chimp was discovered in a closet, wearing a bandana around his forehead, reading Six Degrees of Separation, and calmly smoking a cigarette -- the stock was immediately downgraded to "imitative only."

Extreme Kids (EK) sank 1 5/16. It too was up wildly earlier in the day, but this was a result of their not having a nap at lunchtime, and of attention deficit disorder (ADD). Several Unruly Tykes Reading Arthur Clarke's Tomes (SUBTRACT) came to the rescue. These kids, die-hard aficionados of Amazon.com, who do little else but read science fiction, calmed things down. The ADDers and SUBTRACTers canceled each other out for a time.

In the news today, another company with the ticker symbol EK, Eastman Kodak, is looking for babies and is discontinuing 126-format film by the year 2000. Yes! They're looking for babies! Specifically, they want to find moms who give birth to babies this coming Mother's Day, May 10th. (And for all you forgetful dads out there, that's this coming Sunday. I should also add that, if your wife has recently had a baby, be sure to remember that she is now a mother. Treat her to something special. Sure, you're used to having Mother's Day be about your mother, but now it's about your wife as well. This unsolicited balm for your marriage comes to you free of charge from The Motley Fool.)

At any rate, Kodak wants to congratulate these "picture perfect" women by giving them an Advanced Photo System (APS) camera valued at approximately $200. This year Kodak is expanding its promotion to include mothers who adopt their children on Monday, May 11th.

Moms who deliver their babies on May 10, 1998 or adopt the following day will receive a free Kodak Advantix 3700ix camera and one roll of film developed for free with Kodak premium processing. The stock, however, was down, as we've noted above, and we dare not hazard a guess as to what this might say about the market's valuation of babies.

What we can say with some degree of assurance, however, is that by the time those babies are graduating college and are having babies of their own, the money you sock away for them in the Foolish Four this spring day will have grown many times over.

Current Dow Order | 1998 Dow Returns

[Robert Sheard is the author of the The Unemotional Investor (Simon & Schuster, 1998) available now at Amazon.com and your local bookseller.]

TODAY'S NUMBERS
Stock  Change   Last 
 -------------------- 
 UK   +  7/8    52.38 
 IP   - 9/16  52.94 
 MO   +   1/16  39.25 
 EK   -2  3/4  73.44 
 
 
                    Day   Month    Year 
         FOOL-4   -0.80%   3.87%  13.83% 
         DJIA     -1.50%  -0.10%  14.50% 
         S&P 500  -1.53%  -0.62%  13.86% 
         NASDAQ   -1.09%  -0.63%  18.23% 
  
     Rec'd   #  Security     In At       Now    Change 
  
  12/31/97  291 Union Carb    42.94     52.38    21.98% 
  12/31/97  206 Eastman Ko    60.56     73.44    21.26% 
  12/31/97  289 Int'l Pape    43.13     52.94    22.75% 
  12/31/97  276 Philip Mor    45.25     39.25   -13.26% 
  
  
     Rec'd   #  Security     In At     Value    Change 
  
  12/31/97  291 Union Carb 12494.81  15241.13  $2746.31 
  12/31/97  206 Eastman Ko 12475.88  15128.13  $2652.25 
  12/31/97  289 Int'l Pape 12463.13  15298.94  $2835.81 
  12/31/97  276 Philip Mor 12489.00  10833.00 -$1656.00 
  
  
                              CASH    $415.96 
                             TOTAL  $56917.15