Stardate: 2967.0706 Aboard the Starship Enterprise

"Kiptin," squealed Chekov, "vat do we do?"

Captain Kirk hunched forward in his command chair as he watched the dozen or so giant, space-dwelling Tribbles race toward the Enterprise. "Good question, Mr. Chekov. There really is no precedent for dealing with giant space-Tribbles, is there? Wait! That means I can be in the history books as the first man to kill a giant Tribble! Quick, load the Amazingly Powerful Bat Tribble Repellent Ray Gun!" Kirk ordered.

Uhura leaned over from her station just behind Kirk's chair. "Wrong show, sir," she whispered.

"Same acting style, though," said Cyrano Jones.

Kirk glared at him. "Oh! Oh! You're one to talk. In another couple of years, YOU are going to be on the 'Mothers-In-Law' with Kay Ballard! But never mind that--set ship's phasers on maximum stun, full sweep."

"Phasers ready, sir!" barked the badly coiffed Russian.

"Flame on!" ordered Kirk.

Chekov looked nonplussed.

"I meant... FIRE!" ordered Kirk. From beneath the ship, the beam shot out, moving back and forth across the enemy line, knocking the Tribbles hither and yon. "Report, Mr. Spock!"

"The Tribbles have been maximally stunned, sir. No... wait. Captain, I detect something approaching the Enterprise at a high rate of speed. It's... some sort of bio-mass."

An instant later the Enterprise was struck by the mass, sending it careening away from the stunned Tribbles, once again knocking everything to the floor. "What was that!?"

"Scanning, Captain," said Spock. "It's... saliva, Jim, I believe one of the Tribble just spat at us."

"Ewww, that's gross!" cried Sulu.

"Don't be such a wuss, Sulu!" ordered Kirk. "We've been struck by things far worse than Tribble spit!"

"Not really, sir. The Tribble's saliva is currently eating through the ship's hull."

"Report, Mr. Spock!"

"That was my report, you unbearable ham. I estimate we're going to die in exactly fifteen seconds."

The doors to the elevator slid open and in walked a stunningly beautiful Yeoman wearing a form-fitting space mini-dress. Kirk ogled her from his chair. "And who might you be?" he asked the yeoman. "I thought Yeoman Fool was on duty."

"I'm Yeoman McQuade," said the dazzling woman. "Yeoman Fool's replacement. Would you like to kiss me inappropriately as we prepare to die a horrible death?"

Kirk leaned toward her. "Thanks, but no." The entire bridge crew turned to stare at Kirk, stunned. "Tell me, Yeoman McQuade, since you're the Fool's replacement: some companies -- say Intel, for example -- pay low, or no, dividends, but have high stock prices. Why might an investor buy shares in a company that does not pay a high dividend?"

1) Some companies can very profitably invest the money they otherwise would pay as dividends.
2) Rapidly growing companies that reinvest their cash flows can yield capital gains to investors.
3) Dividends are taxed as ordinary income, while capital gains are taxed at a lower rate.
4) All of the above

Dividend information provided by Joe Louderback.

The answer is 4) All of the above.

People who need current income (the oft-cited widows and orphans, for example) like stocks that pay high dividends. Some shareholders, such as pension funds, do not pay taxes and so often invest in high dividend payers. Other investors prefer to wait for capital gains that they believe will accrue as the company reinvests cash flows in the business.

The tax angle is interesting. Some argue that paying dividends makes very little sense because of the tax rate differential. Dividends can be taxed at nearly 40%, federal rate alone, while capital gains are taxed at a maximum of 28%. Some investors might be better off selling a portion of their shares to acquire current income, instead of receiving dividends. Of course, such investors will incur transactions costs selling shares periodically, but these costs should not erode the significant tax advantage of capital gains.

Yeoman McQuade proved to be up to the task of filling in for the Yeoman Fool and answered easily.

"Captain," said Spock. "I estimate the hull will be compromised in three... two... one..."

At the very last second Kirk did indeed swoop in and kiss Yeoman McQuade. The crew of the Enterprise breathed a deep sigh of relief, confident that all was right with the universe. Then each of them held their breath, waiting for the hole to appear in the roof of the bridge and suck them all into space.

Nothing happened.

"Spock?"

"Ha ha! Fooled you! PSYCHE!" he screamed, enormously pleased with himself.

"That isn't funny, Spock!" Kirk shouted.

"I'm a Vulcan, " Spock sneered. "I don't DO funny."

"That's it! You're fired, Spock. And I'm recommending that Star Fleet court-martial you and sentence you to five years of hosting "In Search Of..."

"Better that than five years of TJ Hooker, you chubby little toupee-wearing...."

Cyrano Jones quietly snuck off the bridge, found his lost samples, snuck to the shuttle bay, and left the Enterprise in a hurry. He'd heard rumors that vampire Tribbles were considered a delicacy on Naproxan IV, in the Wolpen system. And even if they weren't, "The Mothers-in-Law" was preferable to spending even one more minute on board the Enterprise.

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