Stardate: 2967.0706 Aboard the Starship Enterprise

Captain Kirk and Officer Spock raced out of sick bay for the bridge, leaving Bones to deal with the vampire tribble as best he knew how -- which wasn't very well, considering it was the first vampire Tribble ever encountered. They dragged Cyrano Jones with them onto the lift, the idea being that somehow Jones possessed more information than anyone else currently aboard the Enterprise on giant, space-dwelling Tribbles -- his protests to the contrary notwithstanding.

"I assure you, my dear Captain, this is new to me also," he said. "Perhaps... perhaps I should just gather the rest of my samples and head to my shuttle."

"The rest of your samples! How many of those creatures did you bring aboard my SHIP!" Kirk shouted. "Never mind. We'll deal with that later. There are four hundred and fifty people aboard this space craft, Jones!"

"Four hundred and fifty three," correctly Spock.

Kirk glared at his first officer. "I hate when you do that! Besides, since Ensign Claunch just died, it's four hundred and fifty TWO, Mr. Big Brain Science Officer!" Then, to Jones: "You've put the lives of every one my crew members in danger, Jones. If I find out you knew about this... "

The doors to the lift opened onto the bridge. Spock raced to the science station as Kirk assumed his command position. "Status report, Mr. Sulu!" he barked.

"Sir! The creature began attacking us as soon as we were within range. No provocation at all."

"On screen!" Kirk demanded.

The huge bridge screen blinked on, showing exactly what Sulu had described -- a giant Tribble, nearly three times the size of the Enterprise. The bridge crew sat and watched, dumbfounded, as the huge, fluffy animal turned in the distance and began zooming toward them at top speed.

"Fascinating!" said Spock, one time too many.

"That's it! That's IT! I warned you about that, Spock," screamed Kirk, pulling a phaser from a hidden compartment in his chair, setting it to stun, and blasting Spock off his feet. "There, don't make me stun you a second time!"

Fortunately, Spock's Vulcan physiology prevented any real damage from the blast. He picked himself up and brushed himself off. "Humans..." he muttered, returning to his station.

The Tribble was almost upon them. "Spock, do you detect any weapons on board the Tribble?" Spock said nothing. "Spock! Does the Tribble have weapons!?"

"I'm not currently speaking to you," Spock replied. "You hurt my feelings."

"Kiptin!" cried Chekov in his bad Russian accent. "Vat about de Tribble?"

Kirk glanced up at the screen. "Huh? What? OH! EVASIVE MANEUVERS, NOW!"

The ship lurched to one side, barely missing the Tribble as it flew by at near warp speed. Kirk glanced down at Jones. "Have you ever seen one do THAT before?"

"Well, no... no I haven't. As far as I know, Tribbles don't come with a warp drive."

"Uh-huh. And you want Bones to invest in these things, huh? Tell me something, Jones. I heard you talking dividends with McCoy. Maybe you could answer a question for me. I bought some stock about a month ago. The company paid a $2 dividend, but I didn't get it. I sent a sub-space message to my broker, who said something about ex-dates. What's an ex-date? Someone I used to go out with?"

No, it's:

1) The date on which the company recognizes that you own the stock.
2) The date by which you must buy the stock to get the dividend.
3) The date on which the company declares the dividend.
4) The date on which the company mails the dividend checks.

Dividend information provided by Joe Louderback.

The answer is 2) The date by which you must buy the stock to get the dividend.

The ex-dividend date is the critical one for investors. The term "ex" means "out" or "without," as all you Latin scholars know. So on the ex-date, you buy the stock *without* the dividend. Obviously, the company needs some time to get its records straight; it cannot pay the dividend to someone who buys the stock the morning the checks go out.

The sequence of events is: the declaration date, when the company declares that it will pay the dividend; ex-date, already discussed; date of record, which is roughly when the company draws up the list of those who will receive the dividend; and payment date, when the checks go out.

"Captain," said Jones, keeping one eye on the screen as he studied Kirk, "Is that the most IMPORTANT thing on your mind just now? In case you haven't noticed, we seem to be under attack!"

The Captain glared at Cyrano. "Are you telling me how to run my ship? I really hate people telling me how to run my ship. Do I have to stun you, too?"

"No! No, that won't be necessary."

"Captain, look!" shouted Sulu, pointing at the screen. One by one, in the distance, a dozen or more giant Tribbles appeared, racing toward the Enterprise.

"Oh dear," mumbled Jones. "This doesn't look good at all!"

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