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Monday, December 28, 1998

10 "Wise" Reasons the Stock Markets Move Up and Down

by ([email protected])

Monday: Stock market gains 5% on news that Saddam Hussein is reported missing and assumed dead.

Tuesday: Stock market losses yesterday's gains and an additional 3% after Hussein is found at McDonalds with a Big Mac in each hand.

Wednesday: McDonalds and other fast food stocks surge. Reason unknown.

Thursday: Stock market sinks after news report from India details change from belief in "sacred cows" to belief in "sacred rain."

Friday: Stocks drop 200 points after White House insider reports that "Clinton passed gas."

Monday: Stock market regains Fridays losses plus an additional 200 points after Ken Starr testifies that he is in possession of a tape proving that "the dog did it."

Tuesday: Wall Street reports that a major earthquake in California sinks Silicon Valley along with ALL tech stocks.

Wednesday: West coast entrepreneurs make huge profits in sight-seeing tours viewing the new replacement for the former Grand Canyon, now located in California. Airline and travel industry stock prices soar to all-time highs.

Thursday: Market retreats on news that Orange County amusement parks declare bankruptcy after "California Crack" becomes the major tourist attraction replacement in California. Disney is broke.

Friday: Detroit worries increase after "Goofy and Friends" depart from Disney to start a new car company. Auto industry is in a major slump.

Monday: Holiday. Market Closed.

Tuesday: Stock market tumbles even farther after Allen Greenspan is spotted buying a savings bond at a New York bank.

Wednesday: Stock market soars to all-time highs after high-level meeting reveals that the savings bond was bought as a birthday gift for his great-great granddaughter.

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