Fool.com: Pickle Fribble: The Dill Apocalypse (Fribble) October 14, 1998

Wednesday, October 14, 1998

Pickle Fribble: The Dill Apocalypse
by Bob Bobala ([email protected])

While there's been enough talk lately about the world economic crisis to scare the individual investor back into passbook savings accounts, something is happening this week that is sure to cause chaos in the world's financial markets. How it will all end, nobody knows, but fasten your seatbelts because here it comes.

This week Vlasic Foods International <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: VL)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: VL)") end if %> is releasing its latest pickle concoction: The Hamburger Stacker. In development for four years, the Hamburger Stacker is derived from a pickle that is said to be 16 inches long and 3 inches in diameter, the idea being that one slice will cover an entire hamburger or sandwich, guaranteeing a pickle piece in every bite.

This is unbelievable! At first glance, I thought it was a real godsend. A pickle in every bite! Never again will I have to balance sixteen dill chips on a burger for sixteen individual bites. Oh, the beauty of it. Just roll out the slab and I'm set for the entire sandwich.

On further reflection, however, do we really want a pickle in every bite? After all, isn't it those pickle-less bites that make us crave the pickle in the next bite? Don't we savor those half-pickle bites, leaving the rest for the next chomp?

Forget my personal infatuation with pickles, though. What kind of impact is this going to have on the world's economies? This is going to entirely throw off McDonald's <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: MCD)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: MCD)") end if %> quota of two pickles per sandwich. Plus, at a retail price of $2.99 a jar, dill or bread and butter, these things aren't going to come cheap. The impact could be even for worse for Burger King, which is owned by Diageo, PLC <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: DEO)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: DEO)") end if %>. What if Burger King customers, who are used to having it their way, demand the hefty pickle slices on their burgers? Prices might have to increase, what, $.50 per sandwich? Will earnings per share go up or down? Will fast-food customers be willing to pay the extra money for burgers, or will they switch to tacos?

My theory is this: The freak pickle, secretly developed under the code name "Project Frisbee," is a sinister plan hatched by Tricon Global Restaurants <% if gsSubBrand = "aolsnapshot" then Response.Write("(NYSE: YUM)") else Response.Write("(NYSE: YUM)") end if %>, owner of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and Kentucky Fried Chicken -- none of which use pickles extensively, for obvious reasons. This could be the final blow in the fast-food wars, and I think we're all going to be in trouble if McD's, Burger King, and Wendy's go under. We know what makes this world go round.

The effects on the stock markets and the planet's economic health will be far-reaching. I'm not sure we've fathomed all the ramifications yet. The pickle apocalypse is at hand. There's your reason to pull your stash out of the market and put it into your passbook savings.

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