Monday, August 17, 1998

Six Flags Over Greenspan!
By JacobL5044 ([email protected])

(A production of Rump Enterprises)

The New York Stock Exchange has been threatening to leave Wall Street for a new home in New Jersey, and exchange officials have been developing plans for a future site, should one be necessary. According to analysts, these plans include what would be the world's first stock-exchange theme park. We have obtained a copy of a draft brochure for the park, which we present to you:

Welcome to Six Flags Over Greenspan!, a salute to a the man who has done more than any individual in recent times to hold interest rates down and keep stock prices up! We have three pricing plans for admission:

--Full service. For a small extra fee you get an actual Six Flags map, plus special proprietary tips from our own Recommended List on the best attractions in the park and authorization to get a piece of an IPO should you so choose.

--Discount. For an even smaller extra fee you get a map and proprietary tips from registered New York City cabbies (who have outperformed the market, the average mutual fund and all major brokerage house recommended lists by 12.6% in each of the past three years).

--Deep Discount. You're on your own!

Kids under 12 are free and seniors may withdraw their admission fees from Roth or traditional IRAs without incurring taxes.

Once you're inside, you and the family have just one "obstacle" between you and the free rides. Put on your Six Flags caps and "crampons" and scale the Wall Street Wall O' Worry! On the other side, it's just you and thrilling rides such as The Liquidator, The Consolidator, The Downsizer, and The Dreaded Rotating Correction!

Then head to the Six Flags Foodcourt where you'll get a "high yield" of flavor. Sample the bullburger. Maybe you've got a yen for our special sandwich, the RobertRubin. Or just graze at the Warren Buffett.

After you digest your gains, stock-market aficionados like Dad can explore Technicians World. (See the Double-Bottomed Man! View the woman who appears to be only head-and-shoulders! Or, if you dare, tangle with the BaseBuilder!) Meanwhile the kids can have wholesome and hygienic fun at the Merrill Lynch Piercing Booth, and Uncle Bernie can head for Smith Barney's Tomorrowville, where he can see what all of us really want from the future -- a look at a Wall Street Journal published in 1999.

Planning on staying for more than one day? You're eligible for our LongTermInvestor package. Or just extend your DayTrader pass!

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