Wednesday, May 20, 1998

Roswell/Rump Going Public
By JacobL5044 ([email protected])

(Piscataway, NJ) -- The well-known contrarian investment firm Roswell/Rump is going public. Proceeds of what promises to be one of Wall Street's hottest initial public offerings will be used to enrich the two existing shareholders, chief investment strategist Roscoe Rump and partner "Rip" Roswell, Jr. Some might be used to purchase a used voice-mail system from Rump's nephew Rupert.

According to principal "Rip" Roswell, "The decision to go public was made when we realized that by issuing millions of new shares, the firm's per-share losses could become totally manageable." Roswell says the partners saw the need for the voice-mail system when Rump's wife Fanny threatened to stop taking messages. "Plus we've often heard that clients were dying to get a piece of Rump."

While a preliminary prospectus is available for potential investors, Roswell advises that, "They really don't need one. As Roscoe often says when he's quoting Bob Dylan, 'You don't need a road map to know which way the wind blows.'" Roswell downplayed the risk factors mentioned in the prospectus, for example the "key man" status applied to Rump and Roswell as the firm's only two employees. Roswell says the underwriters (led by Roswell/Rump) have determined that the absence of the "key men" would actually benefit the firm. Roswell met criticism of the "red ink" in the pro forma statements by stating that, "Our forma has never been anything less than pro. Hah-cha!" Finally, as for the fact that the Rump home (current operations center for the firm) is on an earthquake fault, Roswell says he is "almost sure" that any good homeowners policy covers quakes and he is "fairly sure" that the Rumps have homeowners' insurance.

Meanwhile Roswell/Rump has been less than successful in its efforts to instigate a merger between Quaker Oats and Wild Oats. Rump's suggestion for a new company name --Wild Quakers -- was not acceptable to either company.

This will be a combined edition of The Rump Report. The boys will be out having their pictures taken for what will be the firm's first annual report. (Try not to call for a while. Fanny has been getting cranky.)

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