Thursday, April 30, 1998

Rump Regrets and Clarifications
By JacobL5044 ([email protected])

(Piscataway, N.J.) -- Investment strategist Roscoe Rump today apologized to investors for triggering Monday's stock market correction. The editor of the Rump Report had been visiting with Alan Greenspan at the Federal Reserve when he stumbled and inadvertently "threw on the brakes," shifting the nation's economy into a lower gear. Greenspan had been hosting a reception for Rump after the strategist won the prestigious-sounding Pullet Surprise from the National Poultry Investors Association. (Not to be confused with the Pull-It surprise game of the Washington State Lottery.) Last year's Pullet Surprise went to the firm of PaineWebber for its pioneering work in putting two proper nouns together without a space in between.

The incident at the Fed is indeed ironic. In his memoir Accumulate THIS!, Mr. Rump denied accusations that in past years he "threw on the brakes" on health care reform, tobacco reform, and a host of other reforms which had prompted one journalist to write that Rump was engaging in "a veritable orgy of brakes throwing-on."

In a more positive turn of events, Proctor and Gamble has withdrawn a threatened lawsuit against Rump and his firm Roswell/Rump for Mr. Rump's remark about the "astonishing" rise in "fab" costs. Just as in the case of many stocks recommended by Rump, the misunderstanding involved a lack of capitalization. As part of the settlement, Rump apologized for his imprudent advice on an IPO he was underwriting for a company that monitors croupier and other gaming industry exams. Rump had said that it was "just fine" for the company to use the name Procter and Gamble.

This will serve as a double issue of "Rump Regrets and Clarifications." As part of his belated Spring Break, Roscoe will be out testing bottoms prior to another "check-in" call at the Betty Ford Institute.

Finally, the "dust has settled" after Mr. Rump's brush-up with the Catholic Church. Church officials had blasted Rump's remarks about seeing an image of the baby Jesus in a "head and shoulders" formation in a Coca-Cola stock chart. Rump amended his remarks, saying he was mistaken and that it actually was a "cup and saucer" formation. He also issued a "strong buy" on Coke.

Have a similar tale?
Talk about it in the Fribble Message Folder!