Wednesday, February 25, 1998
A Perfect
Match
by Johnandkim
(Johnandkim)
On May 15th, 1998 I will marry my true love. In the course of our courtship, I have discovered a wonderful bonus: her brain contains the useful parts that were removed from mine at birth. (Most people question whether they ever existed at all.)
My almost-wife (to avoid using faux French words) has the financial front-lobe which was discarded from my head at the beginning. She has demonstrated time and again that coupons are not just things that fall out of the paper while you look for the comics. Using her brain and the missing parts of mine, she has "magically" made my student loans, credit card debt and car payments melt to a pathetic shade of their former selves. She tries to convince me that my personal debt is easily reduced using sound financial planning and fiscal responsibility, but I know it's all done by magic.
I was always taught to save my money, so I made a very shrewd investment in a passbook savings account. That cash cow gave me a really healthy return of 3% and I didn't have to do anything -- pretty wise, huh?
I have seen further evidence of her voodoo, hocus-pocus and prestidigitation recently when she created an apparition for me called a "portfolio," or something to that effect. It would seem that this "portfolio" has the power to create money. She took my savings, with my hard-earned 3% interest and somehow added a zero -- a return last year of 30%.
Do you understand my shock to discover that my almost-wife had such magical power? Fear not; I have chosen to marry her to insure that she will only use her powers for good.
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