Thursday, May 8, 1997
[Today's we revisit a Classic Fribble from May 1995, the original "Howie."]
The
Ex-Widge!
By Roman A. Clef
When Norm Deplume wrote about his shady business partner Howie in "Getting Soaked," I said to myself, "Hey, I know that guy!" Actually, I may not know his Howie, the real Howie, but does it matter? Howie is like a Jungian archetype. We all know him, and we've all run across him in one or another of his oozing incarnations. I've personally encountered him several times.
It was a "Howie" who invented the "ExerWidget." This was an exercise device so absolutely useless Howie thought it needed a 30-minute infomercial to explain all the stupid, useless things you could do with it. The ExerWidget was a metal bar five feet long. You held it behind your neck and, well... twisted with it. (I'm not making this up.) The E-Widge cost $29.95. Of course, you could do the exact same thing with a $3 broom, but what kind of a moron would exercise with a broom?
Howie wanted my company to produce the ExerWidget infomercial, and he wanted to cast J____, a once-famous Hollywood starlet, as the sexy ExerWidget demonstrate-rix. Though we brainstormed long and hard on this matter, we failed to come up with 30 seconds worth of copy, let alone a half-hour show. We told Howie that, alas, we didn't think we could make either his product, or his starlet, a winner.
Well, Howie came unglued, and heaved all kinds of "you'll never do lunch in this town again" threats at us. I don't know why he reacted that way; we didn't take his money. I guess he couldn't believe a bunch of no-names like us would actually turn away his business. But that's a Howie, for you, always falling back on the "You'll never do lunch in this town again" approach.
I've known Howies who have invented hair-weave systems and diet plans, who have sold funeral insurance and mortgage pre-payment schemes. A few of my Howies even owned savings-and-loans.
It used to be you could recognize them by their gold chains and open shirts, but now it's getting harder and harder to spot a Howie at first glance. You really have to be on the lookout for them, and some are pretty suave. After years of study, however, I've concluded that Howies are always very good at two things. One, they're fantastic at selling themselves. And two, they always obfuscate the details. Whenever these two traits occur in any human being with whom you do business, watch your back -- you may be in danger of getting "Howied."
Which leads to my final observation. In addition to being an archetype, Howie has also created a place for himself in the English language. And I think he deserves both a verb and a noun. Expect to see us using these throughout Fooldom, and in the analog world as well. To be "Howied" is to get shafted, of course, but only by the best. The phrase should be used to describe the most blatant of scams or embarrassing of outcomes. For instance, you buy an ExerWidget and all your friends say, "Wow, they sure Howied you -- why not just buy a broom?"
As for the noun, I'll let you create your own. A Howie can: hit the fan... be bought in a poke... be folded seven ways and put where the sun don't shine. As for me, I'm going to have this bumper sticker made up: "Howie Happens." Because, as we all know too well... into each life a little Howie must fall.
Roman A. Clef
(Editor's note: The Fribble realizes that there are many fine and upstanding citizens named "Howie," and we by no means intend to disparage these good and honest individuals. In fact, if your name is Howie we suggest that you look on the bright side. You could be named Gillooly -- or even Howie Gillooly, for that matter. Or Lance. Or F. Lee Bailey. See, life isn't so bad, is it?)
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