Friday, April 18, 1997
Where are the Molly
and Dan of Wall Street?
by
TMF Sheard
Maybe it's because I've spent more of my adult life in Texas than anywhere else (3 years in Fort Worth and a decade in Lubbock). Maybe it's because their senses of humor strike both a regional and philosophical chord. Maybe it's because they're just among the best; I don't know. But two of my favorite writers are political columnist Molly Ivins and sports writer Dan Jenkins.
I don't always share Ivins's political positions, but her uncanny knack of cutting through the layers of manure in the Texas Legislature is becoming almost as legendary as the layers of manure themselves. Her descriptions of the characters down there in the bidness community are hysterical because of their vividness and brutal accuracy. (Ivins was among the first to describe Ross Perot as a Chihuahua, not because of his diminutive size or his conspicuous ears, but because of the sound of his voice.)
Dan Jenkins's golf reporting skewers the world of the PGA Tour as fiercely as Ivins does the Texas Lege. From characters such as Bobby Joe Grooves, Moron Tom, John the Band-Aid, and Weldon the Oath, Jenkins gives us the kind of behind-the-scenes glimpse of amateur and professional golf one doesn't see on the homogenized network television broadcasts.
At times caustic, most of the time uproarious, both Ivins and Jenkins do the Lone Star state and journalism proud in naming names and sparing no expense to deflate the gas bags in their fields. It's time we had that for the world of Wall Street.
Who is going to hold Elaine Garzarelli accountable when she mass mails the free world a Sell Now warning just days before a huge rally for stocks? Who is going to tell Rukeyser his puns are worse than the ones made on elementary school playgrounds and his condescension is, well... condescending? Who is going to tell Michael Metz to stop bragging about being consistently wrong in his market calls years after year?
Who is going to debunk the astro-aquarian-subterranean-meta-polemical-macaroni-oscillator? Who's willing to admit that he doesn't have a clue where the market's going, and point out that no one else knows either, despite the fancy trappings they'll put their wild guesses in?
I guess we'll have to wait for some Fool or other, maybe even one from Texas. Any volunteers?
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