My worst nightmare finally came true. I have nothing to write about. Oh, I suppose I could write about all the junk mail my wife and I get. Did you know that there are newsletters out there with trading strategies that will make you phenomenally rich? I like the one with the guy in the cowboy hat. He'll teach you how to trade in sugar futures and get insanely rich. He even has charts where he shows you where he would have you buy (the bottom) and sell (the top). This is a major revelation. I'm glad he's so smart; we should all send him money.

Of course, I get stuff from Elaine What's-Her-Name, too. She's always right, except every now and then. Hey, she predicted the crash in 87, she might be right sometime again! Her newsletter is only a couple hundred bucks, but as the guy with Centennial said while the FBI agents took him away in chains, "it's only money." My wife says I write about Elaine too much. I think she's starting to suspect.

At work, one of my employees is trying to get me to sign up for some pre-paid legal service. For $25 a month, I'll get legal assistance that would normally get paid for by my insurance company if I get sued. Oh yeah, they'll sue for you too, should you slip on a banana peel. I'm sure they will do a real good job, being they aren't on a contingency or hourly basis and wouldn't make any real money.

Let's see, what else? I love those infomercials with the guy on the yacht and all the showcase women. He did that using a "methods you can make using" (his words). It's too early in the morning for me to figure out what he's talking about, but it must be real good. Hey, he got a yacht out of it! Barbara wonders if his customers have any yachts.

I won't write about any of that stuff. Did you know I have a friend who sells mutual funds? It's from a company that does "distributive marketing." He needs to get people to sell funds under him; this way he gets a cut. How good are the funds? I don't think we're talking about that right now.

Maybe I could write about that couple I saw on Steals and Deals who sent in $30,000 to "invest" in coins sold by mail order. The coins were worth about as much as the Foolmobile (217,000 miles), but at least they don't drip oil all over the driveway. I don't think that would make these people feel any better. Would you invest $30,000 in something you don't understand? I'm sure you wouldn't. I've never invested in something I don't understand. Well, not that many times anyway.

Should I write about the Fed Chairman? No. CNBC and everybody else has beaten that to death. Aren't you tired of hearing about this guy? I know every darn speaking engagement this guy has. I hope he doesn't burp in the middle of a talk; we might see another Great Depression. A couple of years ago, I got so sick of hearing about Amy Who-Ever-She-Was shooting Joey What's-His-Name's wife on Long Island. I thought nothing could top that. Then there was O.J. That was bad. At least my stocks didn't go up and down like a yo-yo every time O.J. went for a spin in his Bronco. By the way, could Joey What's-His-Name be related to Elaine? Could we maybe set them up on a blind date?

I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. Sorry folks, I am totally out of ideas. Maybe next week I'll have a Fribble.

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