During my seemingly feverish indoctrination into equity investing, the endless array of emotional spikes and frustrations have been made worthwhile by the sole entertainment value of the great market prognosticators. The Garzarelli saga over the past seven months alone has been worth the price of admission.

And now, for your fribbling pleasure, enter one Arch Crawford, investment advisor of the stars. Literally.

According to Arch, remember 7,067. That's where the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed today at the end of trading, and that's about as high as it will get. Due to an unusually tight interplanetary alignment in our solar system, resulting sunspot flares will spark a fit of selling of equities in the coming days. Arch cites his similar analyses in 1979 and 1987 as support for his theory. He predicts that the Feb. 18 closing high will be the ceiling for the Dow, which will see a 35% - 50% decline over the next two years.

Of course, Arch could make this prognosis without consulting the stars. He claims the egregious valuations of stocks, an impending fall in the dollar and dramatic upswing in gold prices will spell the end of our dramatic bull run. And guess what: recently the dollar fell a bit, gold was up (last time I checked) and we've seen the Dow slip below 7,000. These points aside, consider the economic tightrope we've been walking for some time now. Predicting a market downturn in the near future is not an entirely harebrained notion.

However, if the planets say stocks must fall, it must be so. As we are ultimately "electric beings" (Arch's description, not mine) a "small percentage of us" are greatly influenced by sunspot activities, and will develop the uncontrollable urge to sell. I wonder if the "highly electric percentage" of humans are those who lead the crowd, or those who follow? Are they proportionately represented in the investing community? Or do they tend to gravitate towards other human endeavors? No matter; we must obey the planetary decree.

If Arch is correct on this one, I will eat my right hand (don't worry, I'm left handed). I will become a faithful reader of all Shirley Maclaine books. I will consult my favorite psychic hot line for each and every decision I make in life. I will never, ever treat carnival fortune tellers with any degree of disdain. And I will buy a damn good telescope.

I don't mean to ridicule or demean those out there who consider astrology a meaningful window on completing their outlook on life. I simply prefer to make my analysis of the market based on... well, the market. Basing investment decisions solely on the word of the great gurus may bring the "wisdom" of the gurus, but won't necessarily bring one personal wealth. My guess is, Arch Crawford may be capable of analyzing the market as well as anybody, and may have an above-average track record based on his technical analyses; however, consulting the planets and stars is what sells newsletters and gets you on CNBC.

And that brings me back to Chicken Little. If Arch is right, you won't have to look up to the sky to know that the Dow is falling. Just do your market analysis the Foolish way: by assessing all relevant information available, and making your own Foolish conclusion. If the Dow falls over the next two years, my hunch is economic factors may have something to do with it. And if Arch can prove a connection between interplanetary alignments and inflation, recession, oil prices or global economic meltdown, my hat goes off to him.

Pardon me, but I must be going; the hair on my head is standing straight up for some unexplained reason, and I have this uncontrollable urge to sell all my stocks.

Dave Johnson

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