Thursday, December 12, 1996
Geezers With Alarm Clocks
by [email protected]

Is there a national conspiracy afoot between employers, the government, and the financial media to keep working schmucks chained to their jobs until the Grim Reaper leads them away, or is my serotonin level just dropping again?

Almost daily I'm bombarded with scare stories about Social Security going kaput in the year 2015, what four years of college will cost in the year 2015, what a nursing home will cost in the year 2015, and what a beer will cost in the year 2015. I see stories about how I'll need $3,456,899 by the year 2015 to retire in comfort, why it makes more sense financially to have a 30-year mortgage instead of a 15-year mortgage, and why retirement isn't really such a great idea anyway.

These anti-retirement stories typically focus on a spry and wise-cracking octogenarian named Joe who's still at the helm of a thriving business or is everyone's favorite greeter at the department store. Nothing else matters as long as he's on the job and loving every minute of it. Joe tried all those retiree things like traveling, learning how to cook, and reading Russian novels, but he got bored to tears with it all. The story always ends with Joe saying, "I'll retire when they carry me outta here in a box!"

Bully, Joe. But if you don't mind, I'd rather be on a golf course, or on a couch taking a nap when I breathe my last, not at work. And certainly not in a meeting!