Tuesday, October 29, 1996
A Modest 401k Proposal
by [email protected]

Q. Why doesn't Downsized Diversified Corp. offer more investment options in the 401k Plan?

Signed, Happy in the Mailroom

As a result of less-than stellar performance of existing fund options in 1996 and overwhelming requests to add more investment opportunities, DDC will soon be offering three new funds to employees: the Capital Preservation Fund, the Bud Ice Fund, and the Powerball Fund.

According to the prospectus of the Capital Preservation Fund, contributions will be allocated to absolutely safe vehicles, such as queen-size mattresses, cookie jars, and coffee cans buried in the backyard. The fund guarantees that 99.97 percent of contributions invested will be returned to the employee at disbursement. The .03 percent is reserved as a management fee and for those times when school kids come to the front door selling candy bars and the fund managers are out of petty cash.

Under the Bud Ice fund, employee contributions are invested in redeeming 5-cent Iowa can deposits. Cans are then taken to Michigan where they are surreptitiously redeemed for 10 cents a can. A redemption site is being set up near the loading dock. Note that this fund caries very high management fees of 1.25 percent, which are used to pay transportation costs, bail, and legal fees.

Those willing to take on a little more risk will want to read the prospectus for the Powerball Fund. Under this plan, contributions are invested in the multi-state Powerball game. Employees are encouraged to avoid local grocery stores and other retail outlets on Wednesday and Saturday evenings, as the managers of the fund will be carrying out their investment decisions at these times.

Remember, the company matches 50 percent of the first 5 percent of the employee's contributions.

Transmitted: 10/29/96