Monday, June 24, 1996
A Visit to the Clinic
by TWildrick

A financial advisor I met recently was explaining rather proudly how he was training other advisors in his office to be like doctors. They would be able to look at a client's portfolio, much the same as a doctor would look at a patient's chart, quickly make a diagnosis and recommend a course of action.

The analogy must have stuck in my mind because later that week I had this strange dream about visiting a most unusual Clinic. I was greeted by Dr. Wise, Head of the Clinic. I told him that I needed a doctor who could at least keep my health above normal. Not an unreasonable request I thought, since many people didn't even visit doctors. Dr. Wise had a puzzled look but graciously began to introduce his staff. There was the rather conservative Dr. Value, the flamboyant Dr. Growth, and the jet-setting Dr. International. They all seemed pleasant enough, but when I explained my goal of above-average health, they were able to give me very little assurance.

"That's not a statistic that we follow very closely," Dr. Wise explained. "We feel that the most important thing is to find a doctor with whom you can establish a long-term relationship. You know we place a great deal of importance on our doctors' personalities. We do a great deal of screening to get just the right type. Coincidentally, we have found that people who make good salesmen also make good doctors. Of course, they're well-trained in medicine as well. They've all completed a 4-month correspondence course -- very rigorous. But it's a common misconception that they spend all of their time seeing patients, answering their calls, diagnosing diseases, performing research, and making recommendations. It's not that way at all. Oh they do all that, but up to half their time is spent trying to find new patients for the clinic. Many of our doctors work late since dinner time seems to be a good time to find prospective patients at home."

Dr. Wise was still having a problem matching me with a doctor compatible with my results-oriented goal. He began to reminisce. "You know, we've had a few doctors that would have been perfect for you, but they're no longer with us. There was Dr. Buffett. His patients took great pride in their above-average health. But Dr. Buffett was more of a research man. Swore by an old manual written by a Dr. Graham. He never tried to get many patients. Obviously, he didn't fit in here very well."

"Then there was young Dr. Lynch. He also had a reputation for healthier-than-average patients, but it wasn't so good for his own health. He worked so hard at keeping patients healthy that he burned out very quickly and retired to spend more time with his family."

"We've had our share of strange ones here too. There was a Dr. Dart. Damnedest method I ever saw. He had pages from his medical books pasted against one of the walls of his office. Regardless of the patient's illness, he would throw a dart at the wall and prescribe whatever the dart stuck. We could never figure it out, but his patients seemed no worse off than anyone else's. Then there was Dr. Index. He took all the medicines in the pharmacy, blended them into one concoction, and gave it to every one of his patients. He claimed his patients were healthier than average, but who's to say?"

I told Dr. Wise that he had piqued my interest with this digression on doctors and their interest in health and asked if there wasn't someone on his current staff with a similar orientation. He hesitated and finally said, "Well, there's the young Dr. Fool. But I must warn you that we don't think he's misnamed. A most unorthodox fellow. Wears this multi-colored smock, and frankly, he doesn't represent the profession very well. He's big on home remedies. He also seems to think that communication among patients has some effect. He walks around spouting his cynical brand of humor. We obviously don't think Dr. Fool will last long here. Funny thing, though, he does seem to have healthy patients. You just might want to give Dr. Fool a try.

Transmitted: 6/24/96