It's amazing what marketing geniuses can do to turn Ugly Duckling products into Swans.

I got to thinking of this as I strolled through my local auto parts store and stumbled into the assorted fluids section. There, rising from the floor in mighty columns, like some lime-green army of plastic robots, stood at least fifteen distinct brands of anti-freeze. Enough, it seemed, to keep all of Minnesota from locking up cold.

The thing is, I live in Florida. With year-round temperatures in the 80's, frozen radiators aren't exactly the worry of the day. But a closer look at these jugs set me straight. The manufacturers, knowing that we don't use much anti-freeze in Orlando, figured they'd change the name and call it "Coolant!" In order to get this wonder product from the north to migrate south, they needed a use for it. Ice-free in the winter, boil-proof in the summer. . . Eureka! Kind of like that ancient mystery, "How does a thermos bottle know whether to keep things hot or cold?"

Stopping at the grocery, I noticed a few other marketing ploys. Do you remember when Johnson's Baby Shampoo---the No Tears stuff---was wonderful for little Junior? Treating his newborn locks with delicate care, and no tears lather? Don't be shocked, but now it's for adults. True, the geniuses at Johnson & Johnson bring you---a former baby, now grown up---No Tears wonder shampoo for big people, and it's great. I bet if someone did the research they'd find it's great for Fido the dog, too. Johnson's Baby Adult Canine Feline Shampoo and Car Suds. Can't go wrong. If you've got hair, a pet or a filthy Buick, cry no more---we can clean it!

Next shelf over, deodorant. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman," says the ad. Turning around, Q-Tips: "Perfect for cleaning cracks while dusting." Jockey for Her, Haines Her Way---I can't wait for the new "Victor's Secret" catalog, though I'm not sure if I really want to know Victor's intimate pleasures.

Of course Baking Soda is the ultimate all-in-one dream product. I don't think people bake with it any more, but probably only because there's never enough left after brushing their teeth, de-smelling the refrigerator, doing laundry, keeping the ice fresh in the freezer, and---don't forget---it activates that new Robin Leach silver cleaner on TV.

All of which reminded me of that classic Saturday Night Live commercial for "Shimmer," a Ready Whip-like glop that squirted out of a can. "It's a dessert topping!" exclaimed Gilda Radner. "No, it's a floor wax!" Dan Ackroyd countered. "Hey now, you're both right!" said Chevy Chase. "It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax! The greatest shine you ever tasted!"

Would it really surprise you? I mean, there you are on aisle 3 in your local Target and suddenly one of those cheery Demo People spring out at you from around the corner. "Here's a slice of pumpkin pie and a mop. Now try some Shimmer!"

My speculations ended there, and I wandered over to aisle 6 to finish filling my grocery list. For the first course for dinner tonight, a nice onion soup mix. Hold on, is this soup or dip? Oh well, it probably doesn't matter. . .

. . . and it didn't.