Wise Macbeth -- Act IV, Scene 1
By Brian "Brain-Dead" Graney
(TMF Panic)
with apologies to our beloved Bill
Fool HQ. In the middle, a boiling cauldron. Thunder.
Enter the three Foolish Witches.
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Thrice the bloody market hath tanked.
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
Thrice and once the hedge fund whined.
THIRD FOOLISH WITCH
Wall Street Journal cries, "'Tis time, 'tis time."
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned investments throw.
Mutual funds, of which we like none
Though some souls own up to thirty-one
Dreaded hidden fees, nights of sleeping not,
Boil thou first in the Wise pot.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and market bubble.
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
Fillet of a stock mistake,
In the Wise cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of Newt and toe of Perelman,
Hair of Soros and tongue of Greenspan,
Day trader's tooth and blind-maven's eye,
Insider's ear and tipster's thigh,
For a charm with power as the Daily Trouble,
Like an emerging market boil and bubble.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and market bubble.
THIRD FOOLISH WITCH
Hide of bear, tooth of bull,
Three witches' options, spit and stool
Of the mistaken Hulbert named Mark,
Root of Greentree Financial digged in the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Acampora,
Gall of J.J. Cramer, and sheets of pink, or a
Technical analyst slivered in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Merrill and Lynch's lips,
Tail of dead-bounced cat
trade abandoned by a speculator,
Make the Wise gruel dark as Darth Vader:
Add thereto an Asian Tiger's chawdron,
For the ingredients of our Wise cauldron.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and market bubble.
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
Cool it with a broker's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.
Enter the Gardners to the three Foolish Witches.
THE GARDNERS
O, well done! We commend your pains;
And everyone shall share in the capital gains;
And now about the cauldron sing,
Like Motley Fools in a ring,
Enchanting all that you put in.
Music and a song, "Black Mondays."
The Gardners retire.
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something Wise this way comes.
Open, Foolish security system and locks,
Whoever knocks!
Enter Wise Macbeth.
WISE MACBETH
How now, you cultish, Motley, and mistaken hags!
What is it you do?
ALL
A deed without a name, or a commission.
WISE MACBETH
I conjure you, by that which you profess,
However many books and primers you write, answer me:
Though you untie the investors and let them fight
Against the Street; though your simple portfolios
Outperform what the houses of funds serve up;
Though e-mails be sent and accounting irregularities blown down;
Though companies topple on their corrupt management's heads;
Though Trump's casinos and hotels do slope
Their debt-ridden heads to their foundations; though the treasure
Of your website's registered users tumble all together,
Even when the market is down; answer me
To what I ask you.
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Speak.
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
Demand.
THIRD FOOLISH WITCH
We'll answer, no subscription fee needed.
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Say, if thou would rather hear it from our mouths,
Or from our mascots'?
WISE MACBETH
Call them; let me see them.
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Pour in investor's tears, that hath been eaten
By 12b-1 fees; grease that's sweating
From Wade Cook's forehead throw
Into the flame.
ALL
Come, sell high and buy low;
Thyself from your Old Town office deftly show!
Thunder. First Apparition: a jester head.
WISE MACBETH
Tell me, thou unknown Elvis --
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
He knows thy thought:
Hear his Foolish speech, but say thou nought.
FIRST APPARITION
Wise Macbeth! Wise Macbeth! Wise Macbeth! beware Macmargin;
Beware the Nasdaq Bulletin Board. Dismiss me.
Descends.
WISE MACBETH
Whatever thou art, for thy good caution, thanks;
Thou hast prompted my fear alright: but one
word more --
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
He will not be solicited or cold called: Here's another,
More potent than a Dale Wettlaufer column.
Thunder. Second Apparition: a Rogue elephant.
SECOND APPARITION
Wise Macbeth! Wise Macbeth! Wise Macbeth!
WISE MACBETH
Had I three ears, I would hear thee.
(And had I managed thou stock accounts, I would charge thee thrice.)
SECOND APPARITION
Be haughty, arrogant, and misleading; laugh to scorn
The ignorance of man, for none of get-rich quick schemes born
Shall harm Wise Macbeth.
Descends.
WISE MACBETH
Then live, Macmargin: what need I fear of thee?
But yet I'll make by hedging double sure,
And take a (junk) bond of fate: thou shorts shalt not be covered;
That I may tell bold-faced lies,
And sleep in spite of earnings warnings.
Thunder. Third Apparition: a Fool News hound, with a paper in his mouth.
WISE MACBETH
What is this,
That rises on its hindquarters like Lassie,
And carries in his brown mouth the news
products of Foolishness?
ALL
Listen, but try not to sell anything to it.
THIRD APPARITION
Be over-extended, leveraged; and take no care
Who loses money, who defaults, or where the Fool Port stocks are:
Wise Macbeth shall never vanquished be until
Great Morgan Stanley to high Adams Harkness Hill
Shall come against him.
Descends.
WISE MACBETH
That will never be.
Who can impress Warren Buffett, bid thee
Unwind his Coca-Cola position? Sweet trading fees! good!
Rebellion's head, rise never till the Wood
Of One Hundred Acres rise, and our mis-guided Wise Macbeth
Shall live off the earnings of others, pay his dues
To his country club and psycho-therapist. Yet my stone heart
Throbs to know one thing: tell me, if your Foolishness
Can tell so much: shall Ye Olde Printed Fool's offspring ever
Go public in this market environment?
ALL
Seek to know no more.
WISE MACBETH
I will be satisfied! Deny me this,
And an eternal bear market fall on you! Let me know.
Why sinks that cauldron? and what jingling noise is this?
Jester cap bells.
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Buy!
SECOND FOOLISH WITCH
Sell!
THIRD FOOLISH WITCH
Hold!
ALL
Show his eyes, and grieve his heart;
Come like momentum traders, so depart!
A show of eight Internet Kings, the last with a prospectus in his hand;
Ye Olde Printed Fool's Ghost following.
WISE MACBETH
Thou are too like the spirit of Ye Olde Printed Fool!
Thy truth does sear mine MBA. And thy columns,
Thou other online community, is like the first.
A third is like the former. Motley hags!
Why do you show me this? A fourth! Start, my selling program!
What, will the line stretch out to the Alexandria corporate limits?
Another yet! A seventh! I'll try to value Internet stocks no more:
And yet the eighth appears, who bears a red herring
Which shows me many more websites; and some I see
That ultra-fast servers and colorful banner ads have:
Horrible sight! Now, I see, 'tis true;
For the yellow-worn Ye Olde Printed Fool smiles upon me,
And points at them for his.
Apparitions vanish
What, is this multimedia expansion so?
FIRST FOOLISH WITCH
Ay, pin-striped boy, all this is so: but why
Stands Wise Macbeth thus amazedly?
Come, Fools, cheer we up his sprites,
And show the best of our online delights:
I'll charm the Web browser to fool.com,
While you describe why Iomega's a time bomb:
That this great investment firm CEO may kindly say,
Our duties will put him out of work some day.
Music. The Foolish Witches dance and then vanish with the Gardners.