Play Dough
Divorce, Fool Style
February 18, 1998

Over one million couples are divorced each year, and well over half of them have children.

In strict percentage terms, there is only a 50-50 chance that a marriage will survive. 70% of the children in reform school have divorced parents, as do 50% of children living below the poverty line. The U.S. has highest divorce rate in the world, and, given the enormous cost on almost any conceivable measure, parents should exhaust every possibility before taking this extreme step.

When it happens, though, children in the family can bear a lot of the brunt of the pain. What follows here are some guidelines for children, to help them through one of the most difficult trials in their lives.

1. Never be afraid to express your feelings.

Talk to your mom or dad, to your sisters or brothers. Think of them first, because they're going through the same kind of thing you are and, even though it may not seem so, they're just as eager to talk to you as you are to talk to them. There's nothing like a shared experience to help people open up to each other. You should also choose friends to tell, since that's one of the things friends are there for. Seek out a counselor at school if you feel there's one that you can talk to.

2. Being angry at your parents is normal.

This being the case, you shouldn't beat yourself up for, or feel guilty about, your anger. Younger children should be encouraged to express their anger not by spitting or kicking or fighting, but with words. Anger is something that you will experience.

3. Don't try to be an adult.

You may feel a responsibility to try to take over leadership of the household, because one of the parents is no longer around. This is generally a bad idea, because not even nature can make children into parents. Once again, the best rule of thumb is to keep a strong line of communication open. Talk to your parents, and try to establish with them what the expectations are. Talk to others who've been through a divorce, or whom you trust to give sound advice.

4. It's not your fault.

You may be tempted to think about events in the past, and be led to think: what if I'd been better? Would my parents be divorcing now? ("If only I'd been better at cleaning up around the house -- that used to make them so mad at me." "If only I'd been better at my school work." "If I hadn't fought with my sister...") The fact is that parents split up because of problems between them, not because of something that you did.

5. You're not alone.

Divorce happens to a lot of people, and there are others who've gone through some very similar feelings. Simply knowing that fact can help. There's nothing wrong with you, and you're not somehow "different" from other kids because of what your parents are going through.

6. It's not your job to try and get the parents back together.

During the actual split and/or after, many children have an urge to be the peacemaker. They feel that they can put the pieces back together, because they love both their parents. Unfortunately, this generally isn't in their power. So the best advice is not to try to take on that burden.

7. Parents can have marital problems and still love their children deeply.

The fact that parents are having problems in their marriage doesn't mean that they love their children any less. On the parents' side, this will hopefully mean that they will both stay as involved as possible with their kids, no matter what the custody arrangement. Parents can attend the kids' soccer games, take part in practices, volunteer at the school, arrange special projects or field trips, and stay involved in many ways.

Finally, there are good lessons that children can, eventually, take from their parents' divorce. They can realize that marriage can work out for them, later in life, even though it didn't work for their parents. They can choose carefully, and try to do it right. They can realize that it's not something to be taken lightly or casually. They can be determined not to make the same mistakes that their parents did.

-- David Wolpe (TMF Dbunk)