Plays Well with Others
Divorce, Fool Style
February 18, 1998

Getting even sometimes seems as natural as falling in love. He's done you wrong and you're gonna make him pay. Or she's decided to go "find herself" and you hadn't even realized that she was lost. You can't wait to stick it to the person who's broken your heart and ruined your life.

Guess what, Bunky? Your life isn't really ruined, no matter how it seems right now. And while your heart may be breaking, family counselors say that one of the most destructive emotions divorcing couples can experience is that of revenge.

We hope that all divorcing Fools do so in as civil a manner as possible. Civil, you ask? Yes, civil. It's easy if you know how.

"Family mediation" is a relatively civil alternative in the breaking-up-is-hard-to-do game. Studies show that couples save anywhere from 50% to 80% off the usual legal expenses of divorce by using a mediator. Instead of spending literally tens of thousands of dollars for attorneys and court costs, you can spend a couple of thousand dollars and part as, well, almost friends.

Here's how it works. First, the couple attends an orientation session where the entire process is explained. The mediator is frequently a social worker or psychologist who specializes in marriage counseling and has been trained in mediation techniques. The goal of family mediation is to help the couple involved in a divorce or separation to reach a fair and realistic agreement. The hope is that they will be able to avoid unnecessary litigation and the huge financial bills that go along with it.

Each person is then asked to make a list of assets, debts, future lifestyle needs and requests. "Requests" differ from "demands" in that everything is negotiable, and the ultimate goal of the process is that the decision will be a win-win for everyone involved.

A good mediator will ensure that everyone understands the repercussions of the financial agreement. If one person is less educated about the money arrangements than the other, the mediator will make sure that everything is explained so that no one takes advantage of anyone. Once an agreement has been reached, each party is given a copy of the arrangement to take to their lawyer so that the proper papers can be filed with the court.

What if you have kids? First you decide that it's more important to be fair than to be right. Couples who realize that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with a child in common are more likely to want to make everything end as nicely as possible, if only for the sake of the munchkin. The mediator will then work out the arrangement that each parent will have with the offspring once everything is settled. Though each case is different, most mediators feel that the process can usually be completed with four or five meetings.

Some of the advantages that mediators say their process offers, besides the obvious financial ones, are:

1) Privacy: Everything is decided in the privacy of the mediator's office. No mud will be slung in a courtroom.

2) Timing: Because you typically pay by the session, no clock is ticking. If you want to slow down and think about things or let emotions cool off, you can do it. You can then resume the next session when you're ready.

3) Maintaining a workable relationship: Anecdotal evidence suggests that couples who use a mediator come out of the divorce with a more congenial relationship than those who have used the more adversarial traditional approach.

If you're interested in finding out more about family mediation, or talking to a mediator in your area, check out these links courtesy of Yahoo (click on the "D" word). Then come back here and read our 10 Foolish Money-Saving Tips for some other things you should be thinking about.

--Trudy Hoyden
(TMF Hoyden)