A Perfect Match
Fool for Love
February 11, 1998

About 2.9 million couples are going to get married this year. And about 1.4 million couples are going to get divorced.

Yowza!

If that didn't give you pause, check this out: 82% of those who are getting divorced say that disagreement about money was one of the top three reasons that they decided to split up. Surprisingly, it wasn't always lack of money that was the problem. Oftentimes couples decided to say good-bye because they had different values, different goals, and an inability to make compromises about the money that they had.

Obviously, the way you and your honey feel about the way you plan for your future, how you set goals, and how you give and take when you can't agree on something will have a big impact on your relationship in general, not just with regards to money. But since money is often symbolic of other things that are important to you, it's a good benchmark for the health of your relationship overall.

Money isn't just money. It means freedom and opportunity and pleasure. It can be something that you want to keep for yourself or something that you want to give to others. The abundance of it can sometimes cause just as many problems as the lack of it. If your values dictate that giving to charity is more important than expensive toys, then your husband buying a new sports car when you finally "make it big" can cause problems you never even thought about.

More often than not, though, the problems that couples have regarding their bank account center around wanting things and not having enough green stuff to pay for it all. This is where the issues of compromise and shared goals really come into play. Does your honey still want that new sports car even though you haven't made it big yet? Will buying it mean that you won't be able to afford a down payment on your new home? If the car is what you both want, then there's no problem, but oftentimes that's not the case.

Money also is about power. If one person in the couple makes considerably more than the other, the inequity can cause problems. The one with the bigger paycheck can dictate things like where you live, who you socialize with, or what kind of lifestyle fits in with an image that they feel they have to maintain. If you're the one being dragged to a new part of the country when your main squeeze gets transferred, or if you're the one having to throw elaborate dinners every time an important client is in town, you might start to resent it. Especially if Squeezy starts to point out that it's him that makes all the money and all you have to do it show up.

So how can you tell if you and your honey are on the same track when it comes to moolah? Get out those number two pencils, curl up on the couch together and answer the following questions.

1. You have just won $1 million in the lottery. How will you spend it?

2. Your significant other has just lost his/her job. How will you deal with it?

3. If you have signed a pre-nuptial aggrement (or are thinking of it), what is your reasoning?

4. If you're willing to share the good things when you have lots of money, are you prepared to share the burden of a debt that you may have trouble paying back?

5. What is your philosophy about saving? What are you saving for and how does that fit in with the rest of what you want in life?

6. How do you feel about delayed gratification? Can you wait to get something or do you need to have it right now?

7. How much money do you need to feel "safe"? How important are things like insurance and an emergency fund?

8. Your honey bunny sends you a dozen roses that must have cost $70. Are you happy or are you more concerned that you can't really afford it? Or... he doesn't send you flowers (because he can't afford it). Are you angry?

9. Which is more important to you... buying something expensive now (like a big-screen TV) or putting money aside for your child's education? And if you can't agree, how will you settle the disagreement?

10. Your husband has the opportunity to work for a company which has the potential to make you stock-option-millionaires at the end of three years. The catch is that you have to move to a different part of the country and hubby will have to work 100-hour weeks. Will the hard work, the new town and the time apart be worth it?

There are no right or wrong answers here. Each question was faced by at least one couple that this writer knows personally. (OK, I don't know anyone who's won the lottery, but I do know a stock-option-millionaire!) In some cases, the decision making process brought the couple closer together. In at least three cases the stresses were so great that they decided to go their separate ways.

Remember, just because you disagree about something doesn't mean that you can't make things work. Family counselors say that you don't have to agree on everything. It's how you handle the disagreement and how you reach a compromise that will make the difference in whether you're Foolishly compatible or not.

-- Trudy Bowen (TMF Hoyden)